17 Amanda Pendley

Personal Reflection

To Feel at Home in the Aftermath of Resettlement

I had the great honor of interviewing Matsalyn Brown, a refugee from Tai Dam, who has been resettled in Iowa for the vast majority of her life. Matsalyn and her family came here due to Governor Robert Ray’s resettlement initiative in 1975. Tai Dam was colonized by the French, and later the Americans, leaving their land out of the control of the Tai Dam people. Being able to learn about her history and culture has been an experience I will never forget. As we talked, we covered many issues, but the ones we discussed more in depth were those that not only affected the past of her people, but will continue to impact the future of her culture. We noted the similarities between immigrant stories as well as the fact that no two immigrant stories can be the same. Themes of generational trauma, gender politics, access to opportunity, and colonization were discussed. I am so grateful to Matsalyn for allowing me to pass forward her story, and also for sparking in me a desire to continue learning.

Matsalyn began our interview by saying that to tell her story, she would have to go back, through generations, to the beginning. Maybe not thebeginning, but certainly a beginning for the future of her family. When her family had to leave Meung Tai, a generational trauma began. It wasn’t until her twenties that Matsalyn started to look closer at her family history. She was brought to America at only seven months old, and although she was immersed in a Tai Dam community of fellow refugees in Iowa, it wasn’t until decades later that she learned the intricacies of her roots. She was always surrounded by family in a loving environment, and now she attributes this to her parents prioritizing the family’s safety and happiness above all else. Despite all that they had been through, what mattered to them was providing for their family.

Since I am highly interested in the mental health of refugees and asylum seekers, I asked Matsalyn whether she knew if any members of her family had experienced issues with their mental health. In different cultures, a person’s mental state is prioritized in various ways based on values, norms, and roles within a society. Matsalyn expressed that her family never stopped to think about mental health because they were so determined to continue to provide for their family, that they didn’t necessarily acknowledge their own mental health as a priority. However, even though her family members don’t talk about it often, she has noticed the tolls that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has had on her mother and grandmother. Matsalyn opened up to me about how hard it was to go most of her life without realizing the weight that has been resting on their shoulders. She recalls that they had to put on a front and focus on what it was that they needed to do next. There was no time to think about their mental state. Instead, it was meeting the basic needs for their family that occupied most of their time and attention. I also asked her what she thinks her family would have done if there were mental health resources available to them at that time. She responded that she didn’t think they would’ve taken advantage of them. When Governor Ray set up a program for them to work here, all of their focus and dedication went towards working so that they could have a good life in America for their children.

Matsalyn remarked that the women of her family were so strong both before and after their immigration. She commented on their life before coming to America by recalling that life was very tough for women because every single moment of their time was consumed by caring for their children. They had no access to running water, so they would have to go and get water from the wells. They had to cook with wood, they didn’t have a stove. That was true for many older generation Americans at one time too. Matsalyn says that what brings them the most joy is to be able to have that time for family, to enjoy with them and not just be caring for them. The ability for these strong women of her family to be able to feel more comfortable in their new life was a really interesting part of her story in my opinion.

The domino effect of small actions that led up to a better life in America didn’t occur immediately, but over time they were made apparent throughout all of the opportunities Matsalyn and her family gained access to. One thing that she reflected on as being a significant change was the education system. She thinks her mom is very happy that she had the experience to have gone to school, be educated, and to be able to work myself and have more opportunities here in America versus back in Laos or Vietnam. After hearing the differences between what a woman’s work consisted of back in Laos and Vietnam, I really felt a strong admiration for immigrant women who work hard to maintain opportunities for their children. Especially when it comes to higher education, there were a lot of tough decisions to be made when it came down to moving away to pursue an education and a career. Her mother was fully supportive of her decision to move away for college, but her grandmother had more trouble letting go. Matsalyn explained to me that being separated in any way was very hard for her given what she had gone through with the separation of her own family through the wars. To further her future, she would have to take a step away from the close-knit community of Tai Dam people. However, they will always be there when she returns. She said that to be able to see things outside of what her community thinks opened her eyes to a lot of new perspectives. With the education and employment that Matsalyn has completed, she is now engaging in work to benefit her community.

In the past few years, Matsalyn has done some phenomenal advocacy work to continue fighting for the rights of her people. She is involved with the Tai Studies Center who now work under the sponsorship of cultural survival. Through this organization, she had the opportunity to go to the U.N. in 2018 to initiate their request for funding evacuation shelters. There, she was able to connect with people and discuss possible movements and actions to help sustain not only the Tai Dam culture, but what it means to be a part of an indigenous community that is mistreated by their government. Her main takeaway from the U.N. meetings she has attended has been advocating for the rights of the people, particularly in respect to colonization. She explained that countries that are in power feel like they can take whatever resources they need, including the land and rights of indigenous peoples even though it doesn’t belong to them. She believes that within their own communities, and in broader communities, individuals should be able to speak up and have a say in what is being done to them.

The Tai Dam people consider themselves indigenous, but the Vietnamese government refuses to recognize them as such due to their desire to keep their land. She is working with the Tai Studies Center to help spread awareness and create further actions that state that the Tai Dam people are not just another ethnic minority group, but an indigenous people whose land was taken from them. Matsalyn noted that the Tai Dam people actually have a lot in common with Native Americans. In the future she hopes to strengthen that connection by possibly reaching out to the Indian Alliance student group and director here in Iowa City to get a closer look at what their community is doing to preserve their language and culture so that the Tai Dam community could learn from them and do something similar.

Throughout all of our discussions about land rights, opportunity, familial relationships and working to support the Tai Dam community, I wondered how members of that community, and Matsalyn herself who has first-hand experience of living as a refugee in America, thinks of the concept of home. That closeness, support, and sense of community seems to be the thread that encourages refugees to continue to thrive in America. There is such a rich and complex history behind the struggles people have endured in order to get here, and to learn of how they value their culture in the sphere of American assimilation really gets to the heart of what it means to feel at home. Matsalyn affirms that home truly is where the heart is for the Tai Dam community because they don’t have a land anymore, and they don’t have a country anymore. So, wherever family is, home is. She has family in Iowa, Vietnam, France, and even though they are widespread, the fact that they are family holds them together. Sometimes however, she confesses that the community doesn’t feel like they belong here because certain groups of people don’t see them as true Americans. There is a feeling of falling in between the cracks and lying in the middle of two prominent cultures: America and Tai Dam, without fully fitting into either. But there comes a point when home transcends location. Matsalyn Brown’s home is Iowa City, but her home also lies in being a caring and successful daughter, an advocate fighting for her people, a mother hoping to pass down her culture to her children, and a dedicated member of the Tai Dam community that embraces themselves no matter where they are in the world.

Personal Reflection

Reflecting on Interviewing Matsalyn Brown

Walking into my interview with Matsalyn Brown, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I had researched a bit about her past and accomplishments, but there is something very visceral and genuine about hearing a story, more so a history, directly from the mouth without any other interferences. She has a very warm smile that immediately made me feel comfortable in her presence. It was very important to me to let her know how much I appreciate her vulnerability in divulging into her past in order for complicated memories to resurface. I would like to thank her again for trusting me, and for allowing more people the opportunity to learn from her life.

I had previously done some in depth research on the mental health of undocumented immigrants in America, and having that knowledge prompted me to become curious about the consequences of trauma on refugee lives before and after resettlement. Throughout our discussion on how different cultures value mental health and the ways to cope with it, I became aware of how privileged I am to live in a country where I have access to therapy and medication. No matter how hard life got, Matsalyn’s older family members never once put their needs in front of their children’s. Their goal was to work hard, despite all obstacles, to provide a better life for their family. When I asked Matsalyn if her mother and grandmother would have taken advantage of any mental health resources if it. were available to them, she responded that they wouldn’t. To them, this kind of act may have seemed selfish or unnecessary. Even though both her mother and grandmother exhibit signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, tending to their own needs would be seen as unimportant in the grand scheme of creating a good life for their family in America. They chose to put aside their pain and fight against its hold on them. We talked briefly about coping mechanisms, and how crucial they are to live with trauma. There is a balancing act that occurs when adapting to a new environment, especially due to displacement. Preserving their community within the Tai Dam people was very important, but building a life here in Iowa, as wonderful as it was, still came with mourning the loss of an old life. Matsalyn thinks that with all sadness you always have to think of the opposite thing: joy. With depression then there is humor hidden somewhere in reach. It just kind of evens yourself out so you can go on with life. I agree with this sentiment, and think that it shows true maturity and understanding of one’s trust in the world.

The preservation of culture was another main talking point that we seemed to always circle back to. In the midst of her family’s resettlement to America, the transition was eased by the presence of the Tai Dam community in Iowa. Though the community may be small, it stood strong for its members at the times when they needed it most. Matsalyn told me that she may be one of the last speakers of the Tai Dam language, and with a dying language comes a dying culture. Though it may be dwindling, Matsalyn and other activists are fighting hard to continue traditions and pass down the culture to the next generation. She is currently working on a project through the Tai Studies Center with her daughter, taking photos and translating Tai Dam to English. This really touched my heart to know that the kids are involved in the community and are eager to participate and learn more about their culture. Something that I wasn’t expecting was the parallel between Native Americans and the Tai Dam people. I had never thought on my own to make the connection, but I was fascinated to hear about the similarities shared between the two indigenous groups. Matsalyn is looking into ways to reach out to the Indian alliance here, and I would love to know where that journey leads the Tai Dam community in terms of adapting new methods of preserving their culture. I personally would be really interested in how this initiative continues to affect the youth. I believe that being proud of where you come from is a key confidence factor to feeling safe in your own skin in America.

The third detail that caught my eye was not necessarily a singular event, but something that seemed to be present throughout the story as a lingering voice: the concept of leaving. There is obviously a lot of psychology involved in the feeling of absence, guilt over change, and mourning what used to be, but even on a very simple level, in order to leave, there always needs to be something left behind. I think this is the aspect of Matsalyn’s story that I connected with the most. From her family’s forced migration to her grandmother’s fear of separation, and even to Matsalyn leaving to go to college, there is something being left behind that isn’t guaranteed to be there upon return. When the leaving is forced there is a stripping away of agency, autonomy, and anger. To have control is something people often take for granted. The sense of disillusionment and displacement is something I, as a writer, find myself contemplating often. But this isn’t a situation in which I can wax poetic; these are real lives. This is not fiction; this is tangible truth. Words feel heavier when they have a physical weight to them, and when I sat in this interview I was taken aback by the insignificance of my own wonderings in the scope of this proof of survival. I was sitting in front of someone who was telling the history of a people who took what they were handed and made it into something livable because they had no other choice other than to keep going. I am forever inspired to pass on the strength I have been exposed to, to pass on the story, and no matter what, to keep going.