The Science of Relationships

Humans are a result of evolution, and by extension, so are human relationships. Evolution is driven by two factors – the need to survive (autonomy), and the need to respond to the environment (adaptation). The process of evolution through autonomy and adaptation on earth has unfolded over more than 3 billion years. About 300,000 years ago the modern humans evolved and, consequently, the human family evolved. Those first families were different than the ones we see today, but we are still linked to those first families. Human relationships, whether romantic, familial, or social, are a product of autonomy and adaptation (Priest, in press).

Autonomy in relationships can take on many forms. A toddler often won’t want to wear what is suggested by a parent, wanting instead to choose what they might want to wear. A teenager may feel like they need more freedom and shouldn’t have a curfew. A person may get frustrated when their partner wants to do something that they do want to do, or when a partner won’t support their goals. An elderly parent might get frustrated when their adult children want to take away the parent’s driver’s license. In relationships, autonomy is what drives us toward individuality, to have control over our own lives, make our own decisions, and be separate from other around us.

Adaptation can also take many forms in relationships. If we have a parent or loved-one who gets sick, we have to change our relationship with them to respond to their illness. When partners have child, they have to adapt to the new responsibilities and roles that comes with become a parent. When economic or social factors change around families, they have to respond and adapt to those external stressors. In relationships, adaptation is what allows to to respond and react to changes and stressors that occur within and outside of our relationships.

The Brain, Body, and Emotion

Evolution, and processes of natural selection, have resulted in developments to the human brain and body that have led to us being prime for autonomy and adaptation.

One part of our body that has evolved to promote autonomy and adaptation is our nervous system. The nervous system is comprised of the brain, the spinal cord, and our nerves. The nervous system is what connects all part of the body together and it plays an important role in the create and formation of the relationships.  The nervous system has evolved to scan for risks in our environment and make our body react based on those risks. When the environment is safe, the nervous system tells us to relax; when the environment is unsafe, the nervous system gets us ready to react.

The nervous system in mammals is different form that in other species. All species have nervous systems that allow us to respond by fighting, freezing, or fleeing. But mammals have evolved a social engagement system as part of their nervous system. This social engagement system allows us to recieve cues from important people in our lives and respond based on those cues.

As described by Stephen Porges (2018):

“The social engagement system enabled mammals to co-opt some of the features of the vertebrate defense systems to promote social interactions such as play and intimacy. These changes in the autonomic nervous system provided mammals with the neural mechanisms to promote biobehavioral state necessary for caring for offspring, reproducing, and cooperative behaviors.”

In other words, humans and other mammals have the ability regulated and modulate some of their nervous system response in order to from social relationships. Since social connection is key for human survival, the evolution of a nervous system that can react to social cues is an important adaptive response. 

Stephen Porges further describes our nervous system responses and their importance for human relationships, autonomy and adaption in this video.

Another part of the nervous system that is key to forming relationships is the brain. Like the nerves in our body, the brain has evolved to help us have autonomy and to adapt to our environment.

Jaak Panskeep (Panksepp & Bevin, 2012) studies emotions and their role in mammalian survival and relationships. He developed what is called “affective neuroscience” or the study of identifying the brain structures of emotions in mammalian brains. Through his research, he has identified 7 emotional systems that he argues are apply to all mammals. He capitalizes each of the systems when discussing them to differentiate them from other feelings or other reactions

Jaak Panksepp’s 7 Emotional Systems:

1. SEEKING – propels animals to engage with the environment
2. LUST – propels animals to identify a mate a reproduce
3. RAGE – propels animals to compete and defend resources
4. FEAR – propels animals’ flight or fight responses when threatened
5. PANIC/GRIEF – propels animals to experience distress when separated from an attachment figure
6. CARE – propels animals to engage in nurturing behaviors
7. PLAY – propels animals to engage socially

Attachment

One of the most studies and most understood adaptations in human relationships is attachment. Attachment is the process by which we connect to important others. The human brain and body are wired to attach. Are brains and the rest of our nervous system has structures for caring for others, for distress when we are separated from those we care about, to play and have fun with those around us, and to seek out and partner with whom to mate (Panskeep & Bevin, 2012).

These structures in our brains and bodies have resulted in a predictable response process that is activated when are connection with a loved one is threatened. Drs. Sue Johnson and Ed Tronick describe the five steps of the response process in this video

As illustrated in this video, the process of attachment has five key responses:

1. We reach out and invite connection.
2. If the person we are reaching for doesn’t respond, we protest-push the other person away.
3. Or we turn away to protect ourselves.
4. Then we experience melt down, where our emotions and responses become dysregulated.
5. If we have a strong connection to the other, we find a way to reconnect to get a soothing response from the important other.

This response process is an evolved process necessary for our survival. Throughout human evolution we’ve needed other to survive. Separation of those we are connected could mean death. That is way experiences of losing those we love are often painful and why some people will go to great lengths to avoid losing a relationship.

Autonomy and attachment are what create the basis of human relationship. There is a tension between these two forces. We want to be connected, loved, and feel safe a secure in our relationships. At the same time, we want to be an individual that can pursue our own goals and make our own choice. Healthy relationships result from the balance between be connected and being separate.

In this video below, couple and sex therapist, Esther Perel, discusses how autonomy and attachment can either create distance in romantic relationship, or can create even more desire and connection.

Points to Ponder:

1. • Human relationships are a product of evolution – to survive, humans need connection to others.
   • When are relationships feel threatened, we have evolved a predictable process for responding: we reach for our loved one; if they don’t respond the way we need, we protest this separation. If the protest doesn’t work, we may either push them away or turn away ourselves. This continued separation results in melt down. But if we have a good relationship, we find a way to reconnect and feel safe again.
   • Healthy relationships are ones that allow for safe, secure, and trusting connection AND a sense of independence, autonomy, and individuality.