Family of Origin – Trauma, Shame, and Guilt: The Impact They can have on Relationships

Jacob B. Priest; Rachel Marie-Crane Williams; Abigail Lee

6 Family of Origin – Trauma, Shame, and Guilt: The Impact They can have on Relationships

Shame chokes us, so we say nothing when we need to. Guilt scares us, and we do not do what needs to be done. Anger blinds us so that we do things that we later regret.-Liv Larrson Quote from Anger, Guilt and Shame – Reclaiming Power and Choice (2012)

Trauma is a complex. Exposure to experiences where people feel a deep sense of fear, no control over the situation, betrayal by a person they trusted, and a lack of safety can have lasting effects on their personality and their responses to stressors and things that they might associate with the traumatic experience. Everyone reacts differently to traumatic or stressful events. Some people are unable to experience pleasure, some people have uncontrollable and unpredictable anxiety or anger, some disassociate, other may feel a sense of dysphoria. Others experience events such as these and they have a reaction in the short term but are not affected psychologically in ways that impact their lives or relationships. Everyone responds differently. This means that something which deeply affects one person, may not have any lasting impact on another.

There are different kinds of trauma. One is single event trauma. This means that someone experiences something traumatic one time. For example, a violent crime or a car accident. Complex trauma comes from a pattern of trauma. When people are exposed to traumatic events on a regular basis. This might be during wartime, in dysfunctional families, as survivors in situations related to domestic abuse, addiction, or extreme ongoing economic hardship.

Trauma is also sometimes bound up with shame and guilt. The presence of these emotions does not indicate wrong doing in some instances. In other words, survivors may feel shame and guilt even though they are victims and what they experienced is not their fault. Shame is often associated with self-identity and guilt is about how people relate to others. In other words, shame affects how people see themselves and their values, guilt has to do with how they have handled things with other people. Shame can make people feel unlovable and unworthy, guilt is often focused on how someone interacted with others. Guilt can lead to actions that are designed to help ameliorate the feelings associated with the guilt. These can include apologies or attempts to reconcile previous actions with current intent. Shame and guilt are both linked to empathy. Guilt enhances empathy. Shame stops it. In relationships, when people are dealing with trauma, shame and guilt it can have lasting effects.

In some cases, guilt can evolve into the more powerful emotion of shame, especially if there is no way to repair the relationship or rebuild the psychic space where harm took place. Often survivors of trauma may feel guilt if the trauma was relational, in other words if they suffered trauma at the hands of another person with whom they had a relationship. They may feel guilt, because of their response during or after the trauma. Despite the way that guilt and shame are intertwined, shame is more damaging, especially to relationships. People who are dealing with shame linked to trauma may have a number of different reactions. Donald Nathanson, a psychiatrist and scholar created the Compass of Shame. In this model he illustrates four reactions to feelings of shame. These include withdrawal, attacking others, attacking the self, and avoidance. In relationships each of these reactions can have a damaging effect.

Shame can cause people to retreat or withhold actions, feelings, or thoughts that might build intimacy with others. They may “stuff” their feelings. They are deeply concerned that if someone finds out who they really are that they will be rejected because they are somehow an inferior person. People who have experienced trauma which leads to shame or guilt may also have signs and symptoms of anxiety, depression, anger, dysphoria, and disassociation. These disorders can affect intimacy, sex drive, and relationships. When trauma happens at the hands of someone with whom a survivor is intimately connected such as a parent or a partner, then trusting others becomes very hard. The inability to trust can destroy a relationship and have lasting impacts on happiness and success.

If both partners experience a shared trauma while they are in a relationship it may cause them to grow apart if they have different approaches to healing or it may bring them closer together. Depending on the severity of the trauma, healing might take days or years. Finding resources to help with the healing journey is very important. These might include support groups, peers, counselors, health care providers, clergy, therapists, and non profit organizations designed to help with specific types of trauma such as PTSD, sexual assault, or abuse.

Case Study: Pam and Bob

Bob (28) and Pam (29) have been dating for a year. Bob, is Asian American, he grew up with a single mother who struggled with alcohol addiction. She was often withdrawn and at times Bob would have to fend for himself. He would struggle to find food in their house and would have to get himself too and from school on a regular basis. Sometimes she would become sullen and yell at him. Once when he was seven, she became so drunk and angry that she locked him out of the house. He spent the entire night sitting on his backsteps in his pajamas afraid of the dark. He didn’t want anyone to know that his homelife was difficult because he wanted to protect his mother. He grew up to be fiercely independent and a high achiever. He had difficulty trusting other people or letting go of the shame he constantly felt. After Bob went to college, Bob’s mother joined AA and became sober. Since that time, she has tried desperately to have a relationship with Bob. She has apologized repeatedly and tried over and over to grow closer to Bob. He ignores her attempts and has almost nothing to do with her. She and Pam have a good relationship and most of what Bob’s mother knows about him is filtered through Pam. Pam is very nice to Bob’s mother.

Pam is a white woman from a small town. She noticed early in their relationship that Bob was very hard on himself, never shared his feelings, and disliked it when things felt out of control. He is a computer programmer and he works well over forty hours every week. He is a perfectionist and enjoys being a top programmer in his field. He does not have any friends outside of work. Pam feels like she is the only person he is close to.

After the first five months of their relationship, Pam grew tired of always pursuing Bob. He rarely wanted to leave the house and go on dates or have sex on the weekends. She would have to nag him to get him to do anything but play video games. He would only do things with Pam if he planned them. He would often explode in anger if their plans changed or things did not unfold as he imagined they should. He would either beat himself up and say over and over again that he was a terrible person and he didn’t know why Pam loved him, or he would put her down and say things that really hurt her feelings. Pam really loved Bob but was tired of feeling alone in their relationship and tired of never feeling adequate.

Pam came from a very close middle class family. When Bob ignored her, she would leave and spend the weekends with her family. They played games, made large meals, or would go for walks, nothing was planned, and most things felt spontaneous. She and her mother would talk for hours; both of her parents were very affectionate. Her family felt that Bob was a smart person with a bright future. In spite of this, they also felt he was deeply troubled and that she should give him an ultimatum to get help or get lost. When she tried to talk to Bob about seeking therapy, he made jokes and told her didn’t want to talk about. He said he had work to do and locked himself in his office. Sometimes Bob has panic attacks or difficulty sleeping. He seemed to become more and more withdrawn as time went on. Finally, Pam felt like she could no longer cope with the feelings she was having. She felt like he was pulling her into a black hole of negativity with no way out. Despite this she still loved him. Bob knows Pam is thinking of leaving. He has told her that she deserves someone better, but that he still loves her and that it is his fault not hers that things are going badly.

Can you find examples where Bob has repeated behaviors that correspond to points on the circle of shame?

What are things Pam and Bob might try in order to improve their relationship?

What do you think will happen with Pam and Bob?

Have you ever experienced shame or guilt? How did it affect your own relationships?

Terms:

Trauma: An experience that caused distress, fear, injury, anxiety and/or psychological harm.

Simple trauma: Singular incidents of a short duration, where people may feel that their life or well-being has been threatened.

Complex trauma: Complex trauma is part of a prolonged pattern that affects people’s day to day lives and may cause permanent psychological damage. Often complex trauma is relational. It happens at the hands of someone that a person may know or trust.

6 Family of Origin – Trauma, Shame, and Guilt: The Impact They can have on Relationships

Shame chokes us, so we say nothing when we need to. Guilt scares us, and we do not do what needs to be done. Anger blinds us so that we do things that we later regret.-Liv Larrson Quote from Anger, Guilt and Shame – Reclaiming Power and Choice (2012)

Case Study: Pam and Bob

Terms:

Further reading:

License

Share This Book