Just like protection (which we’ll discuss in Chapter 6), consent is a non-negotiable when it comes to sex. Engaging in any sexual activity, from kissing to penetrative acts, without consent is considered sexual assault or rape. In this chapter, we are going to ensure that we understand what consent is (and is not) and how to be comfortable engaging in consent before and during a sexual encounter.

What is (and is not) Consent?

According to Planned Parenthood consent is “an agreement to participate in sexual activity.” That means, you and a partner (or partners) both (or all) agree to participate in a sexual act. Moreover, consent should be enthusiastic, which according to RAIIN, means verbally or non-verbally obtaining a “yes” rather than relying on the absence of a “no.” For example, if you asked a sexy sweetie you were on a date with, “Would it be okay if I kissed you?” enthusiastic consent would be a wide-smile spreading across their face as they said “You betcha!” rather than them looking at the ground and shrugging their shoulders.

Although the definition of consent seems pretty straightforward, there are a few extra facets of consent that are extremely important.

According to It’s On Us a National Violence Sexual Resource Center consent is:

1. Voluntary, mutual, and can be withdrawn at any time. This means that you and your partner willingly say yes to engage in a sexual act. That is you (or your partner/s) do not feel pressured or guilted into saying “yes” to a sexual activity. You’re not doing something because your partner keeps saying “please, please” or “If you really loved me you’d do it.” Nope, instead you are saying “yes” because you want to get down. Moreover, you can stop or say “no” AT ANY TIME. It doesn’t matter if you are in the middle of sexual activity, if your partner is close to climaxing, whatever… it is your right to stay “I don’t really dig this anymore and I want to stop.”
2. Past consent does not mean current or future consent. Consent is not something you grant once. Just because you said “yes” to something or someone one time or in the past, it does not mean you are giving permission to do these again or ever. Just because you wanted to engage in sexual activity with someone at one time or were down for a certain act in the past, it does not mean that you have to do it again. As we’ll see later in this chapter, you must give and receive consent every time AND for every sexual act.
3. Relationship type, such as marriage or commitment, is not a substitute for consent. Being in a committed partnership, or marriage, does not give anyone the right to your body. Your partner (or spouse) does not have ownership of your body and commitment or legal marriage is not a substitute for consent. Even in long-term relationships or marriages, it’s important to ask for consent when engaging in sexual activity.

However, this was not always recognized by law due to the fact that women were often seen as property of their husbands. In fact, there was a “marital exemption” rule to rape (and by default consent) which allowed a husband to rape his wife without consequences. Although by 1993 all 50 states had adopted laws that included spousal rape, some states still have exemptions to these laws for “…offenses that criminalize sexual conduct based on the victim’s lack of capacity to consent to that conduct” (Garvey et al., 2019). In other words, if you were drunk and passed out but your spouse still had sex with you, it might not be considered rape in some states.

4. There is no consent when there is force, intimidation, or coercion. Being forced, coerced, or intimidated into saying yes to sexual activity or a sexual act is not consent. Remember, consent is voluntary, meaning you said yes based on your own free will.
5. There is no consent if a person is mentally or physically incapacitated or impaired because one cannot understand the fact, nature, or extent of the sexual situation. Being mentally or physically incapacitated or impaired can take different forms. For instance, someone would be considered physically in capacitated if they were asleep, passed out, or unable to physically move due to an injury just to name a few. Someone is mentally incapacitated if they are under the influence of drugs (prescription and/or recreational) or alcohol, unable to clearly articulate their speech, or have an underlying condition that impairs cognitive reasoning or their ability to make independent decisions. In any of these circumstances, individuals are unable to give voluntary consent.

Moreover, it’s important to practice active consent the “affirmative, honest, conscious, voluntary, sober, and ongoing agreement to participate in sexual activity” (NMSCAP, 2021). Active consent is not silence, a lack of protest or resistance. In other words, to truly know that you have consent you need to hear a “yes!” or some variation of an indisputable, “I’m down to clown” message from your partner.

Just like past consent doesn’t equal future consent, active consent means that consent for one sexual act does not give someone sexual carte blanche. You must gain consent for EVERY. SINGLE. SEXUAL. ACT. Remember that sexy sweetie that gave the green light for kissing? Well, if you want to take things further, you’re going to have to get consent, again! And make sure to check in throughout your sexual encounter to ensure you still have consent and your partner is comfortable. It doesn’t have to be a record scratching turn on the lights moment, but a simple “Is this still cool?” or “Just let me know when you want to stop” go a long way in ensuring you are engaging in a consensual sexual encounter.

I’m Too Nervous, Embarrassed, or Awkward to Ask for Consent

When I’ve taught about gaining consent with students before I often hear, “It’s awkward!” or “It’s weird” or “It will kill the mood.” I’m not asking you to take out your laptop and have your partner fill out a survey on Qualtrics in the heat of the moment; all I’m asking is that you get the green light and keep checking in to ensure all systems are still a go.

Quick soapbox speech: If you are mature enough to be having sex then you should be mature enough to have conversations about consent and protection (see Chapter 6). If these topics are too much for you to talk about, I suggest you stop having sex until you can, for your own and your partner’s well-being and safety.

Now that I’m off my soapbox, let’s discuss some ways you can talk about consent without wanting to cringe, puke, or hide under the blankets…all behaviors that do not bode well for a successful sexual escapade.

There are three ways you can approach communicating consent: (1) Directly, (2) Consent as Foreplay, and (3) Consent during Sexual Activity.

Direct consent communication means explicitly and directly asking for and receiving consent about engaging in sexual activity or a sexual act.

Direct consent may sound like…

• “Would it be okay if I kissed you?”
• “Can I take your shirt off? How about your pants?”

Consent as Foreplay is when you use asking for consent as part of your foreplay or lead up to sexual activity.

Consent as Foreplay may sound like…

• “It was really hot last time when we did [fill in the blank], do you want to do that again?”
• “It feels really good when [fill in the blank], do you want to do that?”

Consent during Sexual Activity is when continue to check in with your partner to ensure you still have consent and/or you want to switch activities or try something new because remember you need consent for EVERY. SINGLE. SEXUAL. ACT.

Consent during Sexual Activity may sound like…

• “This feels great, would you be comfortable trying [fill in the blank]?”
• “Is this still okay?”

Also, check out these tips from the Columbia Chronicles column Awkward advise on how to get consent, including tips from yours truly.