Before we talk about communicating (and practicing) safer sex, we first need to answer the question—what is sex?

You may be thinking, ummm, that’s a silly question, we all know what sex is! But seriously, think about it for a second, how do you define sex?

If your answer involves a penis, a vagina, and penetration, you’re not alone. In fact, about 97% of people consider penile-vaginal intercourse as “having sex” (Peck et al., 2016; Sanders & Reinisch, 1999), followed by penile-anal intercourse and oral-genital contact (oral sex).

But, that’s only ONE definition of sex (and one that is rooted in heteronormative ideology). In fact, there isn’t one singular definition of sex and sex isn’t relegated to just one behavior. Sex includes a host of behaviors including manual genital stimulation, manual or oral contact with breasts/nipples, and even deep kissing (e.g., French kissing or tongue kissing). Thus, for some people kissing or fondling might be viewed as sex, whereas others only consider acts involving penetration to be sex.

How we define sex and communicate about it has important implications. For instance, say you and your partner are talking about being ready to have sex, but you mean engaging in oral sex and your partner is geared up for some penetrative sex. Thus, it’s important to clearly articulate what you mean by sex before engaging in it.

Additionally, how we define sex is important for practicing safe sex. If we don’t consider a certain behavior sex, then perhaps we won’t take the necessary precautions to make sure that we stay safe. Some folks, for example, don’t consider oral sex to be “sex” and thus may not think about using that same precautions as they would for penetrative sex, but as we’ll see it’s important to practice safe oral sex too.

Practicing Safer Sex

First and foremost, we know that sex should always always be consensual. Second, once we get the green light sex should also be fun and pleasurable (more on that in Chapter 8). One of the best ways to make sex fun and pleasurable is to ensure that we are practicing safer sex.

Yes, you read that right, safer sex not safe sex. Why this distinction you ask? Well, according to Planned Parenthood no sex is 100% safe and referring to sex as “safe” may provide a false sense of security. Instead, we can practice safer sex, meaning we take precautions to lower our risks of contracting or passing on a sexual transmitted infection (or becoming pregnant). One of the most important ways to do this is to prevent the exchange of body fluids, including blood, ejaculation, pre-ejaculation or vaginal fluids. Additionally, it’s important to avoid coming into contact with sores or growth from an STI or discharge from these (Planned Parenthood, 2010).

How do we practice safer sex? Well, abstinence is the only 100% effective way of not contracting an STI (or getting pregnant), but abstinence isn’t a realistic option (or desire) for everyone. So, what can we do?

The most important way to practice safer sex is to use a latex barrier every time you have vaginal, anal, or oral sex. Latex barriers include:

• Male condom
• Female condom
• Dental Dam (Used between mouth and vagina and/or anus during oral sex)

However, if you have a latex allergy or sensitivity you can try polyurethane (plastic vs. rubber) or polyisoprene (synthetic rubber) condoms. Although these two options offer similar STI and pregnancy protection they are a bit looser and stretchier than latex condoms so may have the potential to slip off more easily. Although lambskin condoms (made from sheep intestines) are good for pregnancy prevention, “tiny porous holes in the condom are big enough to allow many viruses that cause STDs to pass through” (Cleveland Clinic, 2020). Thus, lambskin may be best reserved for sexual encounters in which STI prevention is not a concern (e.g., partners are tested and/or in a monogamous sexual relationship).

In addition to preventing STIs, safer sex can help us enjoy sex without the worry of pregnancy. Although barrier methods offer pregnancy protection, like we said, nothing is fool proof, so a two-layered strategy including a barrier method and specific birth control method is important.

The two most effective birth control options, with 99% effectiveness, are the birth control implant and an IUD. Other effective methods, ranging from 94% – 91%, include a birth control shot, patch, pill, or vaginal ring.

In addition to practicing safer sex, it’s also crucial to get tested for STIs with every new sexual partner. Many STIs are asymptomatic, meaning you might not even know you have one, but can still pass it on to others. Additionally, some STIs result in long-term damaging, including infertility and cervical and/or throat cancer.

Thus, it’s important to get tested BEFORE you engage in sexually activity with a new partner and especially before you ditch the protection, even in a monogamous relationship.

Communicating Safer Sex

We know the importance of safer sex, so now we need to talk about it! Discussing safer sex can be intimidating for several reasons. First, US culture has a paradoxical relationship with sex. We’re a puritanically rooted society has yet managed to hyper-sexualize most everything. As a result, we have a hard time talking about sex in an honest and meaningful way. Additionally, we never really get taught to talk about sex. Most sex education (when it does exist) is shame and fear based, instead of being sex positive and instilling the confidence to have important conversations, not just about sexual wealth, but pleasure too! Again, more on pleasure in Chapter 8.

Second, when we have conversations about sex we have to balance multiple goals, or varied aims of a conversation (Caughlin, 2010). That is, discussions about safer sex need to accomplish several tasks. We have the instrumental goal, or the aim performing a certain action(s), like having our partner get tested, asking about STI/testing status, and actually using protection. We also have a relational goal, aim of creating or maintaining a certain type of relationship. Finally, we also have an identity goal, our aim of managing our own or our partner’s image (Caughlin, 2010; Clark & Delia, 1979). Juggling these three goals in the safer sex conversation, especially against the backdrop of cultural ideologies for men and women, make it tricky.

For instance, we often make the (incorrect and biased) assumption that people with STIs are “dirty” or that we can tell by looking at someone whether or not they have one (spoiler alert: you can’t). Thus, asking a partner to get an STI test threatens their identity or suggesting use one may threat your own identity. Additionally, it may disrupt the relationship and suggest that you don’t trust your partner. Further due to the myth of spontaneity surrounding sex, stopping a sexual episode to ask for or put on protection may disrupt your relational goal of having a hot, steamy, and carefree sexual escapade. Thus, managing multiple goals is one reason safer sex conversations are difficult.

Third, uncertainty and cognitive biases about our partner’s sexual health makes it difficult to talk about safer sex. Using the theory of motivated information management, Afifi and Weiner (2004) found that folks who wanted information about their partner’s sexual health the most were often the ones least likely to seek information about it. In fact, uncertainty management theory (Brashers, 2001) argues that sometimes people like to maintain their uncertainty, especially when that certainty might not be what they want to hear such as them or their partner having an STI. Additionally, cognitive biases distort reality when it comes to STIs. In that same Afifi and Weiner study, out of 189 participants only two believed that their partner had an STI and were extremely certain of their answer. However, given that 15 – 25 year olds accounted for half of the 26 million new STIs in 2018, it’s likely the case that more than 2 of those folks had an STI.

Although talking about safer sex can be challenging, it doesn’t have to be! In lecture this week, we’ll learn strategies for tackling this talk.