11 Parenting

Family of Procreation

Family-of-Procreation (FoP) refers to the family that an individual forms through marriage or cohabitation, and often refers to families that have children (SociologyDictionary.org). In this way, your Family-of-Origin (see chapter 3) is your parent’s Family-of-Procreation. A significant focus of Family-of-Procreations is on parenting.

Each Family-of-Procreation will develop its own dynamics, norms and attitudes. Often these dynamics, norms, and attitudes are based on each parent’s Family-of-Origin. These dynamics, norms, and attitudes are incorporated into the parent’s Family-of-Procreation and passed on to children through parenting contexts. Some of the more significant contexts for this include parenting styles and parenting roles.

Like Family-of-Origin (see chapter 3), Family-of-Procreation can be discussed in parallel with Attachment Theory, especially in connection to parent’s parenting styles and children’s attachment styles. Also like Family-of-Origin, Family-of-Procreation units are complex and have many intersections in the form of culture, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation and class that influence parenting roles, styles, and family norms. These intersectional influences are points to ponder throughout this chapter.

Parenting

Parenting refers to the behaviors and experiences related to taking care of and raising children (PsychologyDictionary.org). These behaviors and experiences by parents are closely linked to parenting roles. These parenting roles also significantly affect how an individual adjusts to parenting.

Parenting Roles and Adjusting to Parenting

Mothering

In Western cultures, mothers perform the bulk of parenting in families. Mothering is often closely linked to nurturing and caring for both children and others. Social norms like the Motherhood Mystique expect a mother to have a positive attitude and enjoy juggling the demands of taking care of their children, housework, and husband.

When it comes to adjusting to parenting, mothers often struggle with social norms, like the Motherhood Mystique (Hoffnung, 2011). Norms like the Motherhood Mystique can cause mothers to experience guilt if they cannot be the stereotypical devoted mother, for example if they work outside the home. Mothers can also feel overwhelmed by the demands of the Motherhood Mystique and a culture that places the majority of parenting work on mothers. As well, the expectation that mothers will have only positive attitudes and emotions about mothering can significantly increase the negative impacts of experiencing conditions like Postpartum Depression.

Fathering

When it comes to Western cultural norms, fathers are viewed as authority figures and the wage-earners for a family unity. The bulk of a father’s role is expected to be performed outside of the home. Fathers parenting roles are seen as ancillary to mothers’ parenting, in that fathers are not expected to perform the majority of the parenting tasks, while it is still expected that they are the authority figure for the family unit.

When it comes to adjusting to parenting, fathers often receive the message from society that they are not equipped to perform the majority of parenting tasks. This can make it difficult for fathers to have confidence in their ability to care for and nurture their children. Society members often assume that fathers are secondary in parenting roles, something that can be seen in how many describe fathers taking care of their children as babysitting rather than parenting.

More Parenting Experiences

Mothers and fathers are not the only ones who parent. Many families of procreation also include grandparenting, other mothering, foster parenting, and more parenting roles. In some cases these roles are collaborative with mothers or fathers. In other cases these are the main parenting figures for a child. Adjusting to parenting as a grandparent, foster parent, or other parenting figure has unique challenges in a society that doesn’t see these parenting roles as the norm. This can be especially the case when the adjustment is sudden and unexpected.

It is also important to consider how mothering, fathering, and other parenting roles might be different based on the intersections of the family-of-procreation. For example, what do these roles and norms look like when there are two fathers or two mothers in the same family-of-procreation such as in non cisnormative, mono-normative or heteronormative familes? The same is true when considering what these roles look like in relation to race and ethnicity. The roles of mothers and fathers may not be the same in many Black families- where mothers are often the head of the household, as they are in Latinx families- which often adhere to traditional views of the father as an authority figure and the mother as the caregiver. Single parenting and class can also have significant impacts on how parenting roles are performed and the ability to adjust to parenting.

Points to Ponder:

  1. Who is included in your family of procreation?
  2. How would you describe your family of procreation’s dynamics, norms and attitudes?
  3. What are your parent’s roles in the family?
  4. What adjustments to parenting did your parents face?

Parenting Styles and Attachment Styles

Parenting behavior patterns can be broken down into parenting styles based on two main factors, how responsive parents are to children and how much demand parents place on children (Baumrind, 2005). Children’s attachment styles have been found to connect to parenting styles. For example, parenting styles with high responsiveness have been associated with secure attachment and parenting styles with low responsiveness have been associated with insecure attachment. Attachment style is based upon the concept of attachment bonds and how individuals relate to and communicate their needs to those around them (Ainsworth & Marvin, 2008). Those with insecure attachment styles can find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.

Parenting Styles

Authoritative

The authoritative parenting style is characterized as being high in demand of children and high in responsiveness to children.

Authoritarian

The authoritarian parenting style is characterized as being high in demand of children and low in responsiveness to children.

Permissive

The permissive parenting style is characterized as being low in demand of children and high in responsiveness to children.

Disengaged

The disengaged parenting style is also called the neglectful or uninvolved parenting style. The disengaged parenting style is characterized as being low in demand of children and low in responsiveness to children.

 

 

Attachment Styles

Secure

The secure attachment style is characterized by an ability to engage in and maintain healthy social relationships. People with secure attachment style typically have stable emotional regulation and the ability to adapt to relationship experiences in a healthy way.

Avoidant

This attachment style is one of the insecure attachment styles and is also referred to as avoidant-insecure and as dismissive. People with avoidant attachment style are often independent, self-reliant, and will avoid emotional closeness.

Anxious

This attachment style is one of the insecure attachment styles and is also referred to as anxious-ambivalent and as preoccupied. People with an anxious attachment style often have a strong fear of abandonment and seek partners with high responsiveness.

Disorganized

This attachment style is one of the insecure attachment styles and is also referred to as disoriented and as fearful-avoidant. People with disorganized attachment style may be described as flighty, with unstable social connections, and may have difficulty trusting others.

Points to Ponder:

  1. What parenting styles did your parents have?
  2. How has your parents parenting styles impact you and your close relationships?

Parenting by Age

A child’s age matters when it comes to parenting. For example, leaving a one-year-old home alone overnight would be considered neglectful, but leaving many 16-year-olds alone overnight would not be inappropriate. The reason for this is that what is developmentally appropriate for a toddler is very different from what is developmentally appropriate for a teenager. This is why it is important to be aware of childhood milestones and what abilities children have and what is occurring at each stage of a child’s growth. Being aware of what is occuring developmentally for children at different ages helps parents engage in healthy parenting behaviors (Centers for Disease Control). At all ages and stages of parenting, parents should remember to take care of themselves too. Parenting is a big job, and like any job, it’s easier to do when the parent is as physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy as possible.

Infants (0-1)

At this age, children are highly dependent on their caregivers. During this stage, attachment bonds begin to form as they learn to either trust or mistrust others through their needs being met. These early parent-child attachments set the stage for future relationships the child will have.

At this age parents should engage with their babies by talking, reading, and singing to their babies. This will help their infant begin to learn both language and healthy verbal interaction patterns. Parents should also play with, praise, and cuddle with their babies at this age.

Toddlers (1-2)

As children move from infancy to toddlerhood they experience an exciting time of growth and firsts. Typical milestones for this age group include first steps, drinking from a cup, eating with utensils, and beginning to help undress and dress themselves.

At this age parents should continue to read, talk, and interact with their child through play and naming objects. Parents should use praise and positive reinforcement to encourage desired behaviors more than they punish undesired behaviors in younger toddlers.

Toddlers (2-3)

Toddlers in this age group are becoming increasingly mobile as they learn to tiptoe, run, and climb. This is also the age that children begin to play make-believe, understand puzzles, and copy simple shapes with crayons.

As with younger toddlers, parents of older toddlers should continue reading and playing with their child. Parents can also encourage their child to talk to them, sing to them, and perform simple tasks.

Preschoolers (3-5)

This is a time of dramatic growth as the brain grows and cognitive development increases. Children have a greater sense of individuality during this time and seek to try new things, explore, and ask about the things around them. They also are able to independently perform more self-care routines like dressing and feeding themselves.

Parents of preschoolers should continue to read and talk with their child. This includes talking and explaining to their preschooler when they do something undesirable and praising them when they engage in desirable behaviors. Parents should be giving their preschoolers simple choices- like a choice between two shirts or two snacks.

Middle Childhood (6-8)

Children become more influenced by their successes and failures and thrive on encouragement, motivation, and support. Early middle childhood is a critical time for the development of confidence. During early middle childhood children will begin showing increasing independence as they engage in an ever expanding variety of activities and new milestones.

Parents of children in early middle childhood should continue to give praise and affection to their child. Parents should give children simple responsibilities and help them complete these tasks. Parents engaging with and talking with their children continues to be important, and relevant topics for this age group includes school, friendships, and answering their child’s questions.

Middle Childhood (9-11)

At the age of middle childhood children experience a lot of emotional and social growth, including increasing independence, and may be beginning puberty. Friendships and peer engagement can have significant impacts on children at this age.

As children in the older middle childhood age group become more independent, it is important that parents continue to engage with and talk with their child regularly. Parents should continue to help children develop responsibility by praising them when their child successfully performs chores and follows rules.

Young Teens (12-14)

At this age children are going through many physical and social changes. Physical changes, due to puberty, become more pronounced during early teenage years. Children can become concerned about their body image and may experience moodiness. At the same time, teenagers are experiencing more independence as they discover their personal special interests and friend groups.

Parents should talk to young teens about puberty and answer their questions about other relevant topics they bring up. It is important that young teens feel heard and cared for. Parents continue to encourage their child when the child does well and can help their child brainstorm ways to handle problems and achieve goals.

Teenagers (15-17)

As with middle childhood and young teens, independence continues to be an important developmental concern for teenagers. This age group is practicing independence for their emerging adulthood. This is also the age when many teenagers experience increased sexual and romantic interests. Healthy friendships are important to teenager’s experiences and continuing healthy development.

Older teenagers are preparing to launch into young adulthood and parents can help their child achieve this through healthy engagement and by continuing to regularly interact with their child. Older teenagers tend to have developed interests that parents can encourage them in. Parents can also be present to act as a sounding board as older teenagers work through their problems and towards their goals.

Points to Ponder:

  1. What age do you think would be most challenging for your to parent?
  2. How did your parents adapt to parenting you at different ages?
  3. If you have siblings, did your parents change how they interacted with their older and younger children at certain ages based on the parenting experience they had gained?

What to know more?

Ainsworth, M. D., & Marvin, R. S. (1995). On the shaping of attachment theory and research:

An interview with Mary DS Ainsworth (Fall 1994). Monographs of the society for research in child development, 60(2-3), 3-21.  https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-5834.1995.tb00200.x

Baumrind, D. (2005). Patterns of parental authority and adolescent autonomy. New directions for

child and adolescent development, 2005(108), 61-69. https://doi.org/10.1002/cd.128

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2021). Positive parenting tips. U.S. Department of

Health and Human Services. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/index.html

Hoffnung, M. (2011). Teaching about motherhood: Revisioning family. Psychology of Women

Quarterly, 35(2), 327-330. https://doi.org/10.1177/0361684311401824

The Attachment Project (2020). Attachment Styles and Their Role in Adult Relationships.

AttachmentProject.com https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

 

License

Relate: Sex, Intimacy, and Conflict Copyright © by Jacob B. Priest; Rachel Marie-Crane Williams; and Abigail Lee. All Rights Reserved.

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